Rutgers President Jonathan Holloway Misses Presidential Debate – All Buses on 15 Minute Break at Different Campus

by Iona U. Firearm

NEW BRUNSWICK—On September 10th, 2024, Rutgers President Jonathan Holloway found himself standing at the College Avenue Student Center for over an hour, eagerly awaiting public transport that never came. “Despite my strictly following all appropriate bus travel advice, it appears that I will not be receiving the 4% of my grade based on attendance,” President Holloway stated, still waiting for the bus. “Passio GO! is one of Rutgers’ most powerful instruments for addressing transportation challenges, though it appears my bus has been 12 minutes away for the past hour.” Eyewitnesses at the Cook/Douglass Student Center state that every bus in circulation was on 15 minute break at the same time, completely preventing the movement of any students across campus. “Yeah, it happens,” states Rutgers student Buster Iver in the Cook/Douglass Student Center Lounge. “You gotta leave, like, an hour before your class starts or the buses will screw you over. I’ve been late tons of times even leaving 40 minutes before my class started.”

Students at Busch Student Center, when interviewed, didn’t find anything out of the ordinary. “This isn’t even that long of a wait,” said Rugers Student Buh Strider, not looking up from his phone when asked to comment, “Last semester the buses formed Voltron and left to defend the universe for like a week. We had to walk to different campuses and I almost failed a class based on attendance alone. I don’t think any alternate methods of transportation were even provided.” Other nearby students seemed similarly disinterested at the debacle, except for Senior Student Bichael Byers, who excitedly shared his theory. “It’s the scooter company, man, I’m telling you. They pay the bus drivers to take long-ass breaks so you gotta ride the scooters. That’s how they get you. Even if you only ride the scooters once, it’s like a $10 down payment, a dollar to start it, and like another 40 cents every minute you’re riding. That’s like 22 bucks per student they get to sign up! I’m telling you man, it’s the scooter company. It’s a conspiracy.” At 9 pm, when the debate started, President Holloway stood up and began walking back to his dorm. “Arriving late has the same effect on my grade as not attending, so I may as well just not go.”

RUTGERS UNIVERSITY SUSPENDING ALL OPERATIONS DUE TO HELLDIVERS 2

By: Kirara Sparrow 

In a recent announcement, President Holloway announced that all university operations would be suspended until further notice. His speech centered around the newly released game Helldivers 2, referencing a need for all students and faculty to buy and play the game.
“Super Earth needs us on the front lines! The Automatons are advancing into our territory, killing civilians, and opposing our very way of life! It is our duty to expand managed democracy to these systems, so download the game and log the fuck on!” 

The response to this from Rutgers was one of shock, but overall acceptance. To quote one anonymous student, “Why the hell wouldn’t I want to stop going to class to play this bomb ass game?” The day following the announcement, the Rutgers campus was a ghost town, with everyone locked in on distributing managed democracy to every corner of the galaxy.

The game’s premise centers on combating large waves of aliens in groups of up to four players, all contributing towards pushing the aliens’ forces away from Super Earth and other friendly planets. Because of this shared process mechanic, Holloway seems to want to push Rutgers’ large student body towards contributing to this cause. 

This move seems to have had unexpected consequences, however. Helldivers’ player count has exploded in the days since its release, to the point that the servers cannot handle the amount of people trying to log in. This was due in no short part to Holloway’s proclamation, leading to a short follow up announcement made by Holloway, where he said, “Please can a few of you stop trying to log in. I’ve been locked out for two hours. Mom said it’s my turn on Helldivers 2.” The issues with the servers lead to the majority of the students sitting in queue for most of the day, instead of actually playing the game or doing their school work, an outcome that many are actually pretty okay with. 

President Holloway also promised to reimburse the 40 dollar cost of the game to every person at Rutgers who bought it, but has yet to make any comments on how this will come about. President Holloway has reportedly been avoiding speaking about these reimbursements, every time using the excuse of, “Sorry, I need to check if I’m in game yet. The front lines await!”

Top 6 Things to Eat While You Have the Munchies

1. Doritos- Holy shit guys, specifically the spicy sweet chili ones. It just tickles something in my brain. The spicy, the sweet, it just works so well. 
2. Milano cookies- In order to balance out the Doritos, you need something sweet. With some ice cream, this shit is top-tier. 
3. Cinnabon Delights from Taco Bell- I just recently discovered this one, but wow… balls that just explode in your mouth. Need I say more? 
4. A nice, warm, penne vodka pizza from Daniel’s- This is just a classic for when you’re drunk and high. 
5. Garlic Knots- Perfect to go with your pizza.
6. Lay’s Poppables- These are just so intricate and you can feel every inch of the poppable, it’s actually an insane feeling.

Why is it so Hard to Buy Shoes????

By: Shoes Canal

Everyone loves a good pair of shoes. We as a society have evolved past the caveman thanks to the invention of shoes. It prevents us from getting hookworms, making our feet stink, and teaches us philosophy, religion, math, and evolution (which does not exist). I heard that Jesus could turn leather into shoes as one of his miracles.  

However, shoes are not a difficult commodity to acquire. With the woke libs destroying Payless  Shoes, and culturally appropriating Carhartt from the working man, I find it hard to purchase fashionable footwear.  But in our worst moments, a lifeline spawned. 

I was on Truth Social when I saw our lord and savior, Donald Jesus Trump, come out with a line of shoes. It could not be understated how amazing these shoes are. The gold plating exudes wealth and high status. The American flag embodies Trump’s exceptionalism against the rest of the world, especially those antichrist, commie Democrats (who also kill and eat babies). 

I was set to purchase the shoes when I got the worst notification. They were sold out. I could not believe my eyes. I had emptied my 401k, AND my wife and her boyfriend’s retirement accounts for this, but now I could not get the shoes I wanted. It would be the perfect addition to my collection of Donald Trump NFTs (which are only increasing in value) and my certificate from Trump University.

The libs want to prevent Trump from selling these shoes. I can’t believe that the fascist, baby-killing dems want to roll out the Biden Boots so that we are all forced to wear them. This is truly the end of democracy. I guess I have to settle for the Yeezy Pods. 

SAMSUNG UNVEILS GALAXY GOON IN PUBLIC GOON SESH

Tessica Jesticles 

To try to compete with the new release of Apple’s Apple Vision Pro, Samsung has released a specialty VR headset which promises to provide a superior immersive experience. The Galaxy Goon was officially unveiled in a social media post featuring a test subject utilizing the headset to its fullest potential. While this guy was straight jackin’ it on stage, test subject S. Mart Man explained his enthusiasm for the new technology. “Now everytime I come home from a hard day of work, I can unwind by locking myself in my Samsung Galaxy Goon Garage, booting up my Samsung Galaxy Goon headset, and tuning out my bitch wife’s nagging!” 

The headset can in fact only be used for gooning, as Samsung has decided to streamline the experience by removing the gaming capabilities that a VR headset would typically possess. The headset can expand on an already existing physical goon cave, augmenting the trash and grime coated reality by presenting you with all the porn you could ever think of. Yes, even that kind… you little fucking freak. The new tech is certainly taking the world by storm, as gooners everywhere begin to have mass augmented gooning sessions in public. Capitalizing on this idea, Samsung has also announced that for Valentine’s Day they will be renting out Central Park to host the world’s largest concurrent goon sesh. The event titled, “Gooning on the Go,” is expected to top out at an estimated 69,000 gooners. The event is being set up without the sanction of the city, but the NYPD does not know how to handle that many absolute losers, and has already given up on attempting to arrest anyone who attends. While scoping out the goon goods ahead of the festivities, The Medium staff encountered a disgruntled man in a police uniform and had the chance to ask his thoughts on the event. “I’m just gonna go home to my wife, I wasn’t able to get tickets. But I really feel bad for the janitorial staff they hired.” As the man walked away, the text reading “Police” on his uniform started peeling off revealing a sewn on patch that read “Goon Life”.

Ass-trology (but V-Day)

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): You will be topped by a middle-aged man with small hands on Valentine’s Day. 

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): You will be fed liver by your crush. 

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): You will be proven innocent after being accused of stealing my heart. 

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): Your production of sperm will be exponentially higher on Wednesday. 

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22): Hope for survival when I come for your ass. 

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): Your partner will throw it back with expert precision at your mom’s house. 

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22): Your crush will eat a large portion of your ass in Alex Library. 

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): It will not be an accident when your lover walks in on you peeing. #pisskink

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Your glasses will fly off your face when your crush pounds you during dance practice. 

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): There will be a plentiful spray on your face after a romantic walk. 

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): You will run into a dilemma when you are faced with the option to romance your professor or your bus driver. Choose wisely. 

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): You will have to teach someone about the birds and the bees this week. 

Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor, And Your Men Yearning To Break Free

By M.D. Phemsell

It’s been a while since y’all have last heard from me. I survived an assassination attempt, but that worthless man didn’t know how much spite I had in me. I won, and I live on. It’s Valentine’s Day, I have two hands (keeping it traditional), /r/gonewildaudio, and AO3 with me.

Honestly, with the shit I went through recently, I feel like I can tank a broken man. Fix him right up and send him out to the world like Normal SpongeBob. The mental illness would surely cancel out to some extent.

Dissenters will say that broken men will make broken lives, but if it’s broken, you gotta fix it! You know how men recoil when a woman reflects the same horny energy as them? I’ll have them doing the thousand-yard stare. In their vulnerable moments, like when they fail a test or lose a Reddit debate, I recommend hitting them with the “small talk” dialogue options, slowly molding them into normal beings. Maybe then you can radicalize them (convince them that women are people.)

I order my female fans to dress up and visit Busch campus; find a computer science student (they wear hoodies and khaki shorts, or you can pinpoint the onion-like odor, but that’s easy to mix up with engineering students, although they’re not better). Hit them with the batted eyelashes and compliment them; they’ll arch their back instantly. Once you date them, ignore the misogyny; just follow through with the plan. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Pisscup Lines To Use This Valentine’s Day

By I.C. Upee

1. Are you the state of Mississippi? ‘Cause you’re the only miss whose piss I sippi

2. Your eyes are like beautiful pools. Can I piss in them?

3. You make me feel wet and warm. Just like the piss in my pants

4. Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes and I can’t find the bath- room.

5. Want a raisin? No? How about a bottle of urine? Wait I mean a date.

6. If I were to rearrange the alphabet, I would put U, T, and I together.

7. Ur-ine-all of my dreams

8. Are you a jellyfish sting? Because I have to pee on you.

9. Are you a toilet? Because I feel relief when I’m with you.

10. Your eyes are like Edward Cullen’s. Beautifully pee-colored.

Top Fan Ships

With it being Valentine’s Day (if you’re reading it on the date we published like God intended), it’s a perfect time to talk about love. Actual love is boring, but the love between two fictional characters is interesting. Here are the top fan ships for you to become obsessed with. After reading this article, you’ll run like the wind to look up Rule 34 art of theses pairings: 

Sam X Dean from Supernatural

Now I haven’t seen Supernatural. But these are two hot, cool guys. Who wouldn’t want them to fuck? 

Stuart Little X Ratatouille

Ratatouille is waaaay out of Stuart Little’s league. But who doesn’t love a ship with one hot guy and one mid guy? 

Shrek X Sexy Squidward 

They’re both green. At least I think Squidward is green. 

Kylo Ren X 10 Million Bees Pretending To Be A Man In A Trench Coat

I can’t take credit for coming up with this ship. There’s 30 thousand fanfics of this pairing on Wattpad. 

Yoshi X Birdo (The Only Heterosexual Ship On This List)

These two are probably into the freakiest shit. Just imagine what Yoshi would be sticking into Birdo’s snout. 

Satoru Gojo X Chang from Community 

World peace would be achieved if this pairing became canon.

Rutgers Rebrand SAS to SOS

By: James Terri

Shortly after its first week of classes for the Spring 2024 semester, Rutgers University President, and unlikely felon (We don’t know for sure), Jonathan Scott Holloway made an announcement at a dinner hosted by the popular artificial intelligence firm OpenAI. The institution would be renaming its most recognizable college from the School of Arts and Sciences (SAS) to simply the School of Sciences (SOS).

“Looking at the trends, it simply makes no sense to continue offering an education in the arts.” Holloway explained to the crowd of insufferable tech bros in attendance, many of whom were too absorbed to actually pay attention from arguing about who stole whose idea of a brilliant new web3 social media platform. “Anything an artist can do – whether it be drawing, animating, composing, or writing funny satirical news can be done much easier and cheaper by just making a robot to do it. Besides, you can legally kill a robot if it claims to have had sex with you.”

To kick off their new direction, the university celebrated the very
real and necessary holiday “Lego Day”, with the official Instagram account posted poorly rendered photos of famous Rutgers iconography recreated with Legos, with the caption “It’s Lego Day! (AI generated images…duh)”

The following day, the account announced a one-hour contest in which participants were tasked with “drawing” a new logo for the school. Some of the submissions included recognizable children’s cartoon characters piloting an airplane towards various U.S. landmarks, those same characters wielding firearms, and explicit pornography of President
Holloway with various anime characters. The contest was suspended not even ten minutes following its unveiling.

“That idea’s goofy as fuck,” said newly displaced SOS animation major, Joli Masada when asked for her opinion. She further elaborated, adding “That shit gives me the ICCCKKK! ‘Artificial intelligence’? More like, FARTificial intelligence!” before she skateboarded off down College Ave into the sunset.

“I actually think it’s a great idea.” opined one engineering student dressed in a black and white fox costume, who wished to remain anonymous. “Now I can indulge in all the grotesquely niche pornography I want. And all without paying a starving X (the platform formerly (and better) known as Twitter) artist’s medical bills? I wish it happened sooner!”